I do think that I have some important stuff that I need to post about me and such.
First of all, some bad stuff that I think that I need to vent. I know that everyone of you know that I've made comments about how I feel like I don't fit in and I think that my views will piss a lot of you off. Well, I'm gonna have to tell you some important things about me personally.
First, why I'm standing by Kristen though out this. I found her when the film Speak came out in '05, and I've loved her and her work since then. She lead me to this fandom, to Twilight, and to Rob, and that's why I feel so bad about this. I found Rob, and I've been admiring him on a similar level, and he seems to be quite a likable dude who I think would make a good friend to me, let alone this fandom. I've also found things in Kristen that I really admire, and I really identified with both of them.
Now, I don't know what I believe, and I do feel like I'm being forced to choose and define my loyalties. Well, I can't do that. I can't dump aside the woman who lead me here, and I can't dump the guy who furthered my liking of the saga. I want to remain loyal to, and support, both Kristen and Rob. I hope that everyone can understand where I'm coming from, and even if you can't agree with me, I hope that you understand me.
I don't know how brave some of you think I am for being a heterosexual guy who has came into and embraced the novels, films, and this fandom. Well, I also don't know how brave you'll think I am for admitting this, because so far I've only told Ann Marie. When I was a teenager, there were times where I considered contemplating suicide because I didn't fit in. This is also why I fear getting into a relationship with a woman. Not what Kristen and Rob have had happen to them, but that I wouldn't fit in, either.
Also, I have to say that I haven't felt this down in the doldrums since about 5 years ago when I found out my mother had cancer. I've been having problems at work, having a weird routine and adjusting to things, and then this happened. Unlike when I found out my mom had cancer, it wasn't just one thing, it was a multitude of things. But I felt the same way: So sick I couldn't eat, couldn't sleep, just empty and sad and angry. But eventually, I decided that I survived my mom's fight with cancer (and so did she), I can survive this, and I survived high school.
I'm not completely over what happened, and I can't bring myself to say that what Kristen did was right--it's the exact opposite, it was a horrible, horrible mistake and she hurt Rob, Liberty, us and herself. But she made a mistake, a huge one, but I haven't lost my faith in her as a person or in Rob, either. I just want closure and I want them to be happy, be it together or apart. And I don't want this fandom to turn against me or anyone to turn against me because I might have beliefs that are a bit different than you guys'. Being a guy and being in this fandom and being a lover of the novels and films and writing fan fic (more on that in a moment
) does make me feel like an outsider. But I don't know what's braver--being in this fandom, knowing that I'm not the stereotypical fan, or admitting to my insecurities and fears and asking for support and help.
I hope that you all know where I'm coming from and will be accepting of me and won't shy away from me, and make me feel the same way. This is difficult for me, and even more so because I feel like I'm not really in the same boat. But you've put up with me and so many of you have voiced your support. Thank you guys, and I love you
Now, on to somewhat less serious business. Can someone maybe help me with a computer issue? I want to buy MS Office so I can start writing my fan fic again, and can anyone give me some advice on what to get and what not. I'll appreciate any help that you can give me and my brother.
I'll be back later