The Twilight Advice Column--Tongue in Cheek version

[KikiMasenCullen]

Loving Mother,

I understand your concern, and I agree. I love both of those children as well. Shower all of them with gifts, expensive gifts...

Doctor


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Dear TAC,

I worry that my brothers wrestle too much. How do I get them to stop while my daughter is watching? And how do I get them to stop getting my daughter involved?

Scared mother of Half-Breed

[TillyWhitlock]

Scared Mother,

Ask her father how he would feel if she got into a fight with your brothers. I can promise you that he'll see the error of his ways and stop wrestling while she is watching. I *swear*.

Total Omniscience.


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Dear TAC,

My daddy and mommy are always looking at each other with goo goo eyes. It makes me sick. Then my grandma and grandpa do it too. So if I go to them, it makes me sick. The only one I can go to is my Uncle that can feel emotions and he scares me. Is there anything I can do?

Sick of love Half-breed

[KikiMasenCullen]

Half-Breed

Do not be afraid of Uncle emo-shifter...he's not scary...with that being said, you should just hide out with some friends of yours until this all blows over....

Wolf-man


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Dear TAC,

My car has been totaled. My wife was driving it to the supermarket when she slipped on an ice patch and hit a tree.
How can I get my wife to replace the Aston without making her angry?

Aston Car Lover

[TillyWhitlock]

Car Lover,

You will not make her buy you a new car. You were taught better! Buy your own car.

Offended mother and father.


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Dear TAC,

My brother can be a dippy sometimes. He risked exposing all of us to save some human girl. I've seen the results of what happens when you flaunt the rules. Is there any way that I can get around him and kill the girl without him knowing?

P.Oed Brother

[KikiMasenCullen]

Po'd Brother,

You try it, and I promise I'll kill you first. I know all your moves...remember that...

Dippy Brother Human Lover

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Dear TAC,

My one daughter is so vain and spoiled. How do I get her to realize that the sun and moon don't set on her? And what do I have to do to get her to leave her brother's wife alone?

Fed up Doctor in Forks

[TillyWhitlock]

Fed Up Doctor,

She knows the world doesn't revolve around her. Doesn't mean that she can't enjoy the spotlight. And she's getting along with her sister in law more and more each day. Just give them time.

He Who Knows.


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Dear TAC,

I want to build more houses. The problem is no one will help me. How do I ask my husband to help me out? Since the only thing he cares about anymore is our granddaughter. It's making me mad.

Remodler

[KikiMasenCullen]

Remodeler,

Threaten him with no "fun" for the next six months if he doesn't shape up and help you build the house. After all, houses are nice...

P.S. We need another one...

Big Guy

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Dear TAC,

My husband is being silly. He thinks that I am a horrible driver. I drive just fine thank you very much. How do I get him to obey the speed limit and stop teasing me about my driving?

Wife of Speed Demon

[TillyWhitlock]

Wife,

It'll never happen. Regardless of if you are a good driver or not, you'll never drive. And you'll never get him to drive the speed limit. It's something in our blood.

Empath


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Dear TAC,

My sister in law called me for some help. I really want to help her, but I think that everyone will say my motives are something completely different from what they are. How do I help her, and convince everyone that I'm really not trying to kill her?

The helpful Sister

[KikiMasenCullen]

Helpful Sister,

I don't care what people think...just come over here and help me!!!!!!!!

Sister in Labor


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Dear TAC,

My brother-in-law and I are having a dispute. He thinks he's stronger than me. Since we've been wrestling non-stop, he doesn't seem to get I'm stronger than he is. Even my husband points it out to him. How can I get him to see that I am stronger than he is?

Stronger Woman

[TillyWhitlock]

Stronger woman,

You're not stronger! Get it through your head! You're just lucky!

Bitter Brother.


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Dear TAC,

My mommy hurt one of my friends because his leader belongs to me. I'm sad that mommy tried to hurt him. Is it wrong that I'm not sad that my mommy hurt our friend?

Confused little girl