The Twilight Advice Column--Tongue in Cheek version

[Mrs.Edward_Cullen<3]

Know-It-All,
Hey here's an idea buddy boy. STAY THE HELL OUT OF YOUR DAUGHTER'S BOYFRIEND'S HEAD JERKOFF! I mean uhh...uhh...Mind a little privacy and if you don't want to experience the weirdness and perviness going on inside his brain then just stay out. It's the best policy there is before he attempts to knock the crap out of you and the whole family goes bazooka over it.
I Am Not Your Daughter's Boyfriend...I swear!
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Dear TAC,
I've been having some problems restraining my mother from butting in my social life. She's afraid that I'm infertile and that I'll never have kids with somebody. What do I do?
Furry Girl

[topazeyes2]

Dear Furry Girl
Just tell your mother to "GET THE HELL OUT OF YOU SOCIAL LIFE!!"
Furry Boy
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Dear TAC,
My girlfriend's father is alway commenting on everything I say here and it's starting to get annoying he's always complaining like "I don't want to hear this stuff" well wah wah I don't always want to hear the stuff in my friends heads but you don't hear me crying.
WHAT DO I DO Sincerely,
Who's Annoying Now?

EDIT- JenTheWriter don't take this post personally I'm just acting out how that character would feel and have no grudge against you.

[JenTheWriter]

(No offense taken!)

Dear Who's Annoying Now?

Wow, that was absolutely adult like, Annoying, makes me have faith in you and your maturity level around my daughter -- uh, I mean your girlfriend. More over, instead of antagonizing your girlfriend's father how about finding some common ground and becoming friendly toward each other.

Sincerely,
The Mother of a Half-Breed

P.S. Don't forget that I can rip you
to shreds as easily as Edward can.

~*~

Dear TAC,

I love my brother's new wife to death! She's great, she's funny, she's friendly, and we bonded nearly instantly. We're two peas in a pod. But, the girl has no fashion sense. I try and I try to help her become a fashionista like the rest of the women in my family, but she refuses to wear anything with a brand that doesn't come from the local Wal-Mart. Ugh.

Do you have any advice on how I can make my sister-in-law realize that there is more to life than just jeans and cotton t-shirts?

Signed,
Bella's Personal Shopper

(no offense to anyone who gets their clothes from WM ... heck, I work there and get some of my clothes there. lol)

[TillyWhitlock]

BPS,

I'm sure if you tried really hard to rip her nose off, that the sense of smell would come with it. So if you do that then you'll be able to put her in whatever you like. Then you wouldn't have to worry about dressing only me!
The Flower!

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Dear TAC,

My brother just married this really cool girl. The problem is that she's human and I've tried to attack her multiple times. I'm afraid that when they come back from their honeymoon she'll be knocked up and still a human and three or four of my family members will be there protecting her from anything that could drain her of blood. Is there anyway that I could get around them and kill her without my brother killing me in the process?

The War Hero

[Mrs.Edward_Cullen<3]

The War Hero,
Here's a couple of words for ya buddy. TOUCH HER AND I'LL STICK YOU IN A BLARING FIREPLACE WHILE I RIP YOU TO SHREDS. Have fun restraining yourself.
Knocked Up Human's Husband
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Dear TAC,
My adopted children like to go at it a bit with each other. Right now though 4 of them are arguing over who "breaks down more houses" if you catch my drift. How do I stop this dirrrty madness?
The Doctor Is In

[brunetterebel010]

Dear Doctor,

All kids hate to hear about their parents um.."activities" simply state that you and your wife can beat them all, because you've been practicing longer. They will hush.

Sincerely,
Relationship expert.

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Dear TAC,

My brother-in-law is very...persuasive...the problem is, I often feel like he is changin my mind and it is impossible not to feel how he wants me to sometimes. I am afraid I cover up my real feelings to often when I'm under his influence. How do I tell him to let me feel what I feel???

Sincerely,
Riding an emotional rollercoaster.

[TillyWhitlock]

Dear Riding,

Why don't you come out and tell me, I mean him, how you're feeling. He may be willing to let you feel some things if you are open with him about feeling them.

Sincerely,
Roller Coaster Operator.

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Dear TAC,

My "brother" just fell in love with a human. Now under normal circumstances, this wouldn't bother me. Except for the fact that he never looked at me in a romantic way. Plus she is willing to give up everything to be a vampire and I don't like it. How do I tell her how I'm feeling without coming off as a cold hard ding dong the witch is dead which old witch the wicked witch?

Cold hearted

[brunetterebel010]

Cold hearted,

Just explain how you feel to her, and express why you are concerned, trust me, she would really like to know.

Sincerly,
Not feelin the love.

__________________________________________________

Roller Coaster Operator,
I think you, i mean my brother in law knows how I'm feeling, why do I need to tell you..uh.. him, but it really is a problem when you i mean HE is like that, and he is rather intimidating, do you think you can give me the courage to face him?

(still) Riding the roller coaster

[TillyWhitlock]

Rider,

Just come up to me, I mean him, and say hey! Let me feel what I want to feel! And sure. Here is some courage. Now I keep trying to wrestle with my brother. Do you think you can shield me so that he can't see my moves?

Operator

[brunetterebel010]

Operator,
sure we will trade, I will start using my abiilities if you will stop using yours...I don't believe in cheating anyway, I'm sure edward, i mean your brother, can beat you without an advantage anyway.

Sincerely,
Sis.


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Dear TAC,

I'm worried, my girlfriend is always wanting to participate in dangerous activities, I feel like I should protect her, but some...disputes...with some of her friends keep me away from her while she is spending time with some of the biggest dangers in her life. How do I cope with the feeling of guilt when bad things happen? How do I convince her to be safe!!??

Sincerely,
Over worried sweetheart