The Twilight Advice Column--Tongue in Cheek version

[samajama]

DADDY C!
You're sooooooooooooo sweet. And you're sooooooooooo dreamy. We loooooooooove you, Daddy C!

Heh heh heh,
Darkward
(a little WA humor for you all )
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TAC:
I want to give my wife a surprise for our anniversary, but she can...kind of see the future. How can I do this without her knowing?!!?

-The NOT Calm One

[Samlawali]

This is the funniest thread ever...

Dear TAC,

I am a recent newlywed and my new husband and I have have only "done it" a couple of times. Now I am craving eggs all the time and, get this, I think our bathroom scale is broken. It says I have gained 10 pounds in only two weeks. How is that possible?

- "Knocked Up"

[eliselovesedwardx]

*Remember to answer the one before oyurs before you post a new question*

Dear The NOT Calm One,

I'm sure she won't mind even if she knows before. It's always the thought that counts. And she's a good actress so she'll act the right amount of surpirsed!

~The All-Seer
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Dear Knocked Up,

I think its the sun. So much sun gives you a craving for eggs. I'm sure it has nothing to do with "doing it". And so many eggs is only natural to gain weight. I think.
Don't think too much into it.

~The Husband
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Dear TAC,

I have a problem. I like to gamble. I gamble on everything I can think of. Like how many people my sister might kill - I mean..umm..pick on - in her first year in our family, and other things like that.
How can I help this?

~The Big Gambler

[samajama]

Sam: Remember to answer the post above you and add a new problem! Thanks for already addressing this, Elise (this is your name, yes?). ~Sam :]

Big Gambler,
It's cool, man. She knows you're just kidding around. And if she ever starts getting really annoyed by it, I can distracter her. *DAZZLES*

-McSparkly Pants
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TAC:
When I was a human, I was the strongest and biggest and most AWESOME. But now that I'm a vampire everyone is big, strong, fast, and awesome-ly sexy. I mean, I'm the strongest...but not like before, man. Still, I could deal with this or whatever...but now my sister-in-law decides she's gonna get changed! And she's stronger than even me, man! Me! And by a lot, too! Ridiculous. What do I do?! I can't let people - especially the wife - think I'm a wimp!

Thanks,
BMOC ((Big Man on Campus))

[virre]

Dear Big Man on Campus
Are you sure this hang up of yours about being the biggest and strongest is quite healthy? Offcours i understand that like so many others you may feel the need to overcompensate for the possible lack of..... *ehm..cough,cough* .. .... Annyway i would not worry about it, your wife is already better then you are at the hole car thing, so why dont you just step down and let her wear the pants for a while
- The vamp-wolf



Dear TAC
My sister insistes on buying my clothes for me! But she never buys annything i can acually wear outside the house! What do i do...
-Desperat and naked

[samajama]

Dear Desperate and Naked,
Just try to make her happy by wearing some of the things she bought you while she's around. Go buy yourself some clothes that you like for the rest of the time, and I think she'll be okay.....ish with that.

Love,
Hubby

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TAC:
The new girl, Isabella, came to my Biology class today and I placed her with Edward Cullen because it was the only space available. Usually, people tend to stay away from him, so I was hesitant, but I had no other choice, you know? But now.. it seems that there's some tension between them.. What should I do?

Sincerely,
Mr. Banner

[virre]

Dear Mr. Banner
It's not your fault that cullen is a freek!
paul

TAC
My wife does not like me giving her things, but i cant stand the car she is driving around in! she must have a new one! how can i sneek her a car without her knowing its a gift?
ed

[samajama]

Ed,
Tell her it's from you parents! Then she'll feel guilty and HAVE TO accept it.

-Wise Doctor
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TAC:
My best friend is refusing to wear the stilettos with her cast for PROM! It's prom!! Firstly, what the hell is wrong with her? Secondly, how can I get her to wear them? Preferably without binding her down. My brother, her boyfriend, probably wouldn't like that too much....

-Faerie Queen [Mortal Instruments shout out.. hehe.]

[eliselovesedwardx]

Faerie Queen,

If it really means that much to you I'm sure she will eventually give in and wear them because she cares about you a lot, even if it means sh can't walk. Lucky she has a very, very strong and trusting boyfriend.
Just be nice about it.

~The Cripple
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Dear TAC,

I have a problem. My mum and dad are 2 incredibly beautiful, strong, fast, intelligent, perfect, sparkly people and I'm not as fast or strong or even half as sparkly as they are. They all tell me I'm "special" but I don't want to be different. I don't want to stand out (or backwards) from my family. My grandparents and aunts and uncles are the same. I don't fit in. I don't even fit into my Jacob's world, where he says I belong, OR into my other grandpa's world. I don't fit anywhere.
What can I do?

~A Little Different

[Samlawali]

Dear Little,

Not fitting in is what makes you special. You don't want to be a paper cutout of someone else. Discover and accept who you are. Your family and friends love you just for being you. Don't worry, be happy!!

TAC
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TAC,

I recently had a run-in with some ...vamp, uh...acquaintances. They claim they are "vegetarians" but had with them this deliciouisly smelling piece of "meat". They said she...I mean, it...wasn't there for a snack, but I didn't believe them. She..darn it, I mean, it...just smelled so good. I have this very intense desire to track it down and have a little taste. Do you think that would be rude?

One Hungry James