The Twilight Advice Column--Tongue in Cheek version

[virre]

Dear One Hungry James
You should not beat your self up about it! I have never really understod the fixation that some vampires form with these humans.
Cai....us

Dear TAC
I totaly love this girl, but she is already in love with some other dude.... what can i do to win her over?!
fluffy boy

[skylarblue]

Fluffy Boy,
Give it up, dude! You will never get her! She's already in love with someone else and who wants to be sloppy seconds? So move on and find someone your own age/species.
~The Strongest of the Clan
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear TAC,
I feel that I'm being used by this beautiful redhead and sadistic blonde to kill innocent people. I don't want to do it but I thirst for their blood. I heard of this family in Alaska who live a different life like those here in Forks. Should I stay with the said redhead and possibly end up dead or leave to Alaska and try to make something of my life.
~Odd Man Out of Three

[virre]

Dear Odd Man Out of Three
you must choose the path that feels right for you. you should not let the others sway your decision. But seeing the trouble your company now brings you in, maybe a change of lifestyle would not be such a bad idea?
the doc.

Dear TAC
I feel like i am constantly surrounded by danger! vampires, giant wolfs and natural catastrophes seem to follow me.. am i just being paranoid? what should i do?
the weakest link

[skylarblue]

The Weakest Link,
The only thing you can do, is accept what is around you and embrace your fate. You will have to make a decision on which way you want your life to take. We all deal with our little bumps in the road so you need to make a choice and not string people along. Even though you feel you are the weakest link, you are probably the strongest of the bunch.
~A Doctor but not a Psychologist
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear TAC,
Okay, I'm not the closest to my sister-in-law but how can I let her know that the decision she is about to make, isn't the best one. My brother and I agree that she needs to live her life more but she refuses to listen to us. So this decision of hers has made me not really fond of her, even though my husband and everyone else in the family adores her. So should I just keep my opinions to myself and have nothing to do with her or try to sit and understand her?
~Not Fond of my Sister-in-Law

[despoina92]

Dear Not Fond of my Sister-in-Law,

You could always explain her why you don't like her. I'm sure she'll understand.

Clumsy Pale Face

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear TAC,

I'm in love with this new girl from school and we are great friends. The problem is, she likes school's hottie, who all these years never noticed a single girl and now he's extremely interested in her! What am I supposed to do?

Better-Than-Him

[virre]

Dear Better-Than-Him,

maybe you should just stop meddling and let what is going to happen, happen!

-mind reader-
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear TAC,

One of my former friends has started talking to me again after like ages of just walking around like a zombie.. and i dont really want to hang out with her any more... how can i make her stop talking to me in public without seeming rude.. i mean, i dont want other people to not like me because of this, i adore attention! please help!

-reluctant movie friend-

[RebeccaCullen]

Dear -reluctant movie friend-,

Have you tried telling this "zombie" friend of yours how you feel? Talking to her in private should help her understand how you feel.

*******************************************************************************************************************
Dear TAC,

My brother recently found himself a girl he likes, the only problem is I really like her scent. What can I do to still hang around him and this girl when they're over without attacking her in a sense?

Scent hungry.

[despoina92]

Dear Scent hungry,

convince him to change her. This way you won't be tempted by her blood. She might as well turn out to be an interesting vampire. Leaving her a human would be such a waste...

Adorable-Chirpy Leader

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear TAC,

my best friend's and sister-in-law's style sucks. And I can't get her go shopping with me nor make her wear the brilliant, stylish clother I buy her. What should I do, for her own good above all, of course?

Shop-a-holic Pixie

[bluestocking_girl]

Dear Shop-a-holic Pixie,

Ah, you poor dear; your gifts are so unappreciated where you are now! Join me and my family, and your gifts will be ... ahem... vastly utilized!

With anticipation,

-Evil Ancient Bloodsucker-


Dearest advice column:

Help! My life is a mess! I'm a 400-year-old vegetarian vampire married to a woman 300 years my junior, with six incestuous adopted children and a granddaughter who is promised to my daughter-in-law's werewolf ex! What would my father say?

Sincerely,

Dr. C

[Hyvanna]

Dear Dr. C
Suck it up! You would not have this problem If you would have just drank human blood but Noooo your too good for that. As for your father he'd say you was dead to him anyways, crazy vampire chaseing old coot. That about your granddaughter sounds like some messed up back-woods-hillbilly-hic stuff.
Join Us Marcus, Caisu and Aro.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear help line.
I seen a really cool car driven by a averge looking girl, she has to be from a rich family or something so maybe you can tell me how to get ahold of her I would love to see that car agian. It can with stand Missles how can you not want to have a double take of that.
Yours truly unknown dude.