The Twilight Advice Column--Tongue in Cheek version

[stupid_lamb85]

Dear unknown dude:
one step closer and YOU will be eating missles!
from the cold one


Dear help line
is there something wrong with me. I am the only female of my kind, am I broken? am I destined to be alone forever

L

[Hyvanna]

L,
If you are half human then you are not alone, I'm sure theire is other half something half human that feel the same. Start a half somethings group on the internet. If that does not pan out you can always get you a nice boy and hide your hairyer side.
Someone's Monkey Man.


----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear help line,
The ..job.. I have is getting hard. The boss postion has split and I am fond of both ..um boss.. how do I deside what boss to ..work under.
Split Q

[virre]

dear Split Q
how about you split your time evenly between the 2?
the head of the family

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear TAC
I have this ostentatious wedding gift, and i dont really want to wear it. but the gift giver is coming for a surprise visit... i am afraid that if i dont wear it i will hurt *erhm* or disappoint him...
hates presents

[Hyvanna]

Dear Hates Presents,
I'm sure if you wear said gift for atleast the day the giver arrives it will tip the scales a little more in your our...i mean your favor. Just some motherly advice.


-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Advice Column peoples

The thing is I'm seeking revange, to my people that is what we do if our mates are ki.. wronged,. Well my mate was ki.. wronged and instead of getting back at the guy I want him to feel the same lo..wronged I do. I've lead this guy all over the world while I'm really still close to his hu..uhh..pe..uhh mate *gag* the problem is she is now serounded by wer...a Indiana trib I was wondering what is the best way to get near her.... you know with the vam... white man not allowed pollicy and all.

Big Red.

[skylarblue]

Big Red,
I suggest that you stay away from both the guy and his mate, if you want to live. I know that you want to get even with this particular guy and I would be sooooooo on your side if you wanted to take him out but hurting him, will hurt her and I can't have that. So, for your own good I suggest that you stay away if you don't want to die.
~The Alpha Were Protector
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear TAC,
I'm wondering if I have made a mistake in choosing the person that I'm going to spend my entire life with. When I found him, he had just been mauled by a bear and the only reason that I decided to help him was because of his looks (he reminded me of a friends little boy).
Now that we've been together for MANY years, I'm starting to question my decision. We've had many GOOD times together but he can me really immature at times and he has the worst sense of humor. Others in my family say that we are the perfect match (yin and yang) but I'm starting to question that.
So, do I stick it out with him and be quiet about my feelings or should I let him know and move on with my life?
~A Rose looking for a new garden

[JenTheWriter]

Dear Looking,

If you feel your mate is immature it generally means you've outgrown that person. However, I don't see anything different on the horizon for you, and trust me I can see just about anything. I think you should change your daily routine a bit, try something different, perhaps any try some couple's therapy. If all else fails -- do what you do best and take some time for only yourself and focused on you.

The Seeing-Eye Sister
~*~

Dear TAC,

I have a problem. My friend and I have been the best of friends for years, and we never really had a problem until recently. See I'm widowed, he's divorced and a very eligible lady has come up recently widowed. She and I have more in common, children wise, than my friend and her, except he seems to be spending lots of time with her. How do I convince her I'm the right guy for her and tell my friend to back off without ruining our friendship?

Chilly Willie

[skylarblue]

Dear Chilly,

I think that you should sit down and explain to your friend about what is going on with the lady. I think he will realize that you guys have more chemistry then they do and will come to accept what is happening with you two.

~Someone who knows the feeling
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear TAC,
I'm having problems with my parents accepting the fact that I'm growing up and becoming an adult. They want to treat me like a child and have issues with my boyfriend.

The funny part about all this is that he's my Mom's best friend and the guy that my Dad credits as to saving my Mom's life. My Auntie likes having him around because she says it helps her with her headaches and my Uncle likes having someone who is just as strong as his is to fool around with.

How do I break it to my parents that he is the guy I'm going to spend my life with and if they don't agree should I just break from them and join his pack?

~Confused in Forks

[samajama]

Confused in Forks,
Just let me tell your Ma. She and I go way back; I can talk her into anything.Trust me. She'll be real cool about this. But...you should probably tell your Pop. See, while I can totally make your Mom way cool about this, Eddiekins may not be so cool. Yeah, he'd probably just kick my hairy butt. So. Um. Good luck!

Signed,
Your Favorite Little Hairy Butt
__________________________________

TAC:
I just have a tiny problem...MY SISTER-IN-LAW IS THE ONLY ONE WHO CAN SEE THE FUTURE AND SHE JUST UP AND LEFT!!!!!!!! *takes deep breath* So yeah, that's my tiny problem. My entire new family and I plus my daughter, her soulmate (gag), and all his, uh, friends are pretty much STRANDED now because she left us. So...WHAT SHOULD WE DO?!

-Disgruntled and Deperate

[Tiger_kitten]

Dear Disgruntled and Desperate,

I suggest you go and buy yourself a magic 8 ball and some tarot cards.
Sincerely, me.

_________________________________________________________________________________________________________


Dear Twilight Advice Column,
I have not seen my daughter in months and months and it doesn't seem like I will see her any time soon, how do I change her mind about coming down to visit me?
-Renee Swan