The Twilight Advice Column--Tongue in Cheek version

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Re: The Twilight Advice Column--Tongue in Cheek version

Postby G-Faerie08 » Tue Sep 23, 2008 6:17 pm

So, I'm kind of eternally married to this one guy that I saved from a bear not too long ago..There is this new, younger guy who smells kind of funny, and we get on each others nerves soooo much but I think he is so HOT!

I'm not willing to leave my "husband", so would it be okay if I pursued things between me and the tall, young, smelly, and a little hairy guy?

Signed,

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Re: The Twilight Advice Column--Tongue in Cheek version

Postby Adam » Tue Sep 23, 2008 9:36 pm

I had no idea you felt that way, Blondie. Litearlly no idea. Don't think anybody else did either, unless you've been hanging around your mind-reading, bloodsucker brother. I know gals enjoy doggy style on occasion, but what you're considering is at best a treaty violation, and at worst a poorly concieved attempt to kill me with revulsion.
Tell you what, the only thing you should be pursuing right now is some common sense.

- Jake
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Re: The Twilight Advice Column--Tongue in Cheek version

Postby Tamalyn » Wed Sep 24, 2008 1:44 am

I have a problem. All of my friends find life very interesting and enjoyable -what with, controlling a cloak & dagger underground empire, ordering a delectable array of humans to be lured down for meals, and exacting punishment on those who disregard our laws.

Problem is, I'm just so BORED with it all. Also, my BFF Aro likes to touch people - all the time. It's rather embarassing, and kind of creepy. What can I do to spice up my life? Also, how can I escape from Creeper McTouchy?

-Marcus
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Re: The Twilight Advice Column--Tongue in Cheek version

Postby somethingblue » Mon Sep 29, 2008 12:16 pm

Adam wrote:I had no idea you felt that way, Blondie. Litearlly no idea. Don't think anybody else did either, unless you've been hanging around your mind-reading, bloodsucker brother. I know gals enjoy doggy style on occasion, but what you're considering is at best a treaty violation, and at worst a poorly concieved attempt to kill me with revulsion.
Tell you what, the only thing you should be pursuing right now is some common sense.

- Jake


HAHAHHAHAHAA - I swear, Adam, you are the best at this!

Tamalyn wrote:I have a problem. All of my friends find life very interesting and enjoyable -what with, controlling a cloak & dagger underground empire, ordering a delectable array of humans to be lured down for meals, and exacting punishment on those who disregard our laws.

Problem is, I'm just so BORED with it all. Also, my BFF Aro likes to touch people - all the time. It's rather embarassing, and kind of creepy. What can I do to spice up my life? Also, how can I escape from Creeper McTouchy?

-Marcus


Marcus,

I'll tell you what. Come on over here and I will change your opinion about touch forever, shockingly so. I also have these furry friends who are looking to sharpen teeth on some dusty marble, which would also be quite the change of pace. Once we're done, you will no longer have to worry about Touchy Mctoucherson (*pssst, someone get a fire going, will ya?*)

Kate
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Re: The Twilight Advice Column--Tongue in Cheek version

Postby Tamalyn » Mon Sep 29, 2008 3:21 pm

somethingblue wrote:I'll tell you what. Come on over here and I will change your opinion about touch forever, shockingly so. I also have these furry friends who are looking to sharpen teeth on some dusty marble, which would also be quite the change of pace. Once we're done, you will no longer have to worry about Touchy Mctoucherson (*pssst, someone get a fire going, will ya?*)

Kate



Ha ha ha ha. Perfection!
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Re: The Twilight Advice Column--Tongue in Cheek version

Postby xXBeSafeXx » Mon Sep 29, 2008 6:50 pm

So, I asked this girl to prom, and she said yes, but then she went with someone else. This one voice in my head told me that she just forgot since it was so long ago, but the main voice I listen to most said that she is really head over heels in love with me, but I didn't ask again, and she didn't want to seem too eager, so she just settled for this anti-social freak guy. How can I let her know that her feelings for me are perfectly normal, and I'm okay with that?

-Tyler
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Re: The Twilight Advice Column--Tongue in Cheek version

Postby Ouisa » Mon Sep 29, 2008 7:02 pm

Tyler:

Sorry for your disappointment, I'd like to be the one to make all your pain go away. I'll introduce you to some great people! How about we do lunch?

Signed

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Re: The Twilight Advice Column--Tongue in Cheek version

Postby somethingblue » Mon Sep 29, 2008 8:24 pm

Tyler -

Do not be fooled by lavender eyes, although you seem to be a fool, so that might be quite the challenge for you. Bella does not care for you. Her dance card is now full for the rest of eternity and should you choose to ignore this fact, the consequences will be even more dire than those meted out by the aforementioned lavender-eyed vixen. Tread carefully.

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Re: The Twilight Advice Column--Tongue in Cheek version

Postby samajama » Mon Sep 29, 2008 8:33 pm

So I have this problem. My girlfriend really, really wants to jump my bones. I'm torn, though. I want to, but I think we should wait until we're married. Oh, and there's this other tiny problem with that. I sort of want to kill her sometimes. That's normal though, right? :twisted:

Signed,
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Re: The Twilight Advice Column--Tongue in Cheek version

Postby Waffle of Doom » Mon Sep 29, 2008 9:11 pm

Dear Mr. Prudey Pants,

YOU TOUCH HER AND I'LL KILL YOU!

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