~ I too enjoyed your mini-spoof.
Very funny as always.
I wanted to comment on the teaser trailer scene where Bella is charging with everyone else in what seems like the final battle scene. I really hope it is a vision and not the actual final battle scene. Though if it is, I hope the movie is sooo fabulous that I won’t mind. Like BD1, there was not suppose to be a wolf fight, but there was. However, I didn’t mind because the rest of the movie was great, well IMO anyway. Also, though the BD1 wolf fight was not canon, it felt like that scene could have happened, it just needed to be tweaked a little. I mean, I just don’t see how a wolf could be right behind Leah and Seth unbeknownst to them, even if they were in human form. In any case, for me, the wolf fight in BD1 was not as far off canon as Felix beating Edward in a fight in the NM movie, or Carlisle taking Edward by surprise in the fight training scene in the EC movie, or any of the other really off canon scenes that looked great on screen.
More importantly and to the point, if the teaser trailer charging battle scene is a vision, I think it would be somewhat in line with canon if the wolves and Nessie would have been blurry, being that they are blind spots in Alice’s visions, and if the Volturi-witnesses would not have been charging as well. Though, I’m glad there isn’t blurriness or blind spots, I don’t think it would show well in film, IMO anyway. In any case, in the book, from the time the vase slips from Alice’s grasp and shatters until the time when Alice and Jasper exit the living room and the family, keeping in mind all that is said in between this time, I think that the teaser trailer battle scene could have been one of the possible VISIONs Alice had. Again, I’m just guessing here, that teaser trailer battle scene very well could be what BC chose as the final battle scene, I don’t know. Also, I’m not saying the Cullens and company would have been successful. I’m just saying, maybe this is one of the visions that illustrated many, if not all, lives lost on the Cullen side, being that Bella may have known about her gift in the vision but not it’s true potential. Also, being that Alice leaves clues for Bella to save Nessie, which further makes Bella believe, that Alice believes or has a vision, that everyone standing against the Volturi will die. I don’t know, I’m just really guessing here.
I just hope Bill Condon sticks to the book ending. I’m going to be optimistic, especially being that he used the BD chess cover in one of the scenes in BD1. Although, if he doesn’t stick to the book ending, I hope he can at least wow me before it is all over.