Weeks.... well, months ago- still weeks in a sense I suppose- the girl I most absolutely adored and fawned over for 3 years decided I wasn't right for her. We'd had a long, happy, healthy relationship from my sophomore year and now, in my senior year she leaves and everything falls apart. What once was simple, and taken for granted tolls every nerve throughout the day... There were somethings I could do well, I've always been a bit of a nerd, top ten percent without doing anything, and now I can't force myself to do well. Oh, how I miss her so. My vocabulary is stale, my poems or writings just trickled to a stop, and now are broken, disjointed.
My girlfriends all work hard, my guyfriends provide the most tactile and pure releases, but I just can't keep her out of my head. I just can't move on. I just can't get things done right. Finally, yesterday one of the girl's snapped, and yelled at me about being a coward. I suppose that is what it is... I'm a coward.
I'd put everything I had into that relationship. It took a toll on my sanity, my monetary funds, my family ties, my religious heading, and in the end my morality. I would do anything to keep her happy.
Brief history, pure vent-age.
2 years ago - We met, got to know each other. She decided there were better guys than her boyfriend and left
him. The end of the year, the band plays at commencement, we ride together on the bus. I leave
the next day for my brother's wedding in Alaska. After hundreds of dollars in communication, and
a huge gift basket (giant stuffed eagle, two huskies- one under each wing with key chains of our
names as tags on their collars, a UV sensitive ring, and a silver whale's tail long chain necklace). I
return and she decides to date on of my best friends. I let her go, to be happy
1 years ago - I'm dating another girl in a desperate attempt to get over her (yes, guys like me are dumb, and I
feel bad about this). She comes back, and I leave my girlfriend asking a week before we date. She
decides she wanted to date someone else, I waited. Many great times as friends and horrible fights
over dumb little things. She meets her boyfriend that lasts through the summer.
Current year- She grows to realize this boy isn't working. We hang out. Things happen, they break up, and we
stay together for a while. Again, a series of personal problems come up between us, and we work
through most of them. Something "isn't right" about me to her though. Now here I am, venting,
pining and crying over her.
Yeah. I miss and love her more than anything. I would have done anything for her, and I have even to the point of breaking promises to myself. That is on my mind first and foremost. Am I a coward? Probably. I don't know if or when someone else will mean something like that to me again. She was unique, an individual, and though we were completely different in how we thought, it always reached the same end. It was interestingly yin-yangy. She, at least for this long while completed me. And I don't know how to move on. I can't seem to force myself to.
I guess any number of pieces can fit for a while, but in our four dimensional puzzle, only two pieces change and work forever.
That doesn't make me any less scared. It took Edward years and years, and I'm no where near that amazing...
I'd love to have some feedback on my poems and rants. Check the blog on http://www.myspace.com/akaitachi
if you have the time! I want some advice and critique, don't worry about offending me.