Thanks again for creating the thread! I thought it would be nice to have a general Twilight Humor page, which people could fill with funny Twilight
-related stuff for which there is no special thread. Twilight Jokes:
What kind of compliment from a friendly neighbor wouldn't make Esme happy? - "My dear, you don't change at all!"
What kind of praise from an impressed patient wouldn't make Carlisle happy? - "Wow, you seem to remember all my test results by heart!"
What question Esme's family never ask her? - "What's for dinner?"
What question Carlisle's family never ask him? - "Can we afford this?"
What might make Edward feel like a kid? - Hearing Jasper and Carlisle reminiscence about the antebellum America.
What might make Carlisle feel like a kid? - Hearing Tanya and Kate reminiscence about the Vikings.
What kind of purchase might make Esme especially happy? - When she manages to find some past "sell by" food.
What sounds like the best defense against regular vampires? - The essence of skunk. That'd make deer smell mouth-watering.
books being so phenomenally successful, I began thinking of bestselling books which Twilight
characters might have written. Best-Selling Books They Could Have Written:
Carlisle: How to Raise Your Kids So They Don't Commit a Massacre Burning Questions to Ask Stephenie:
J. Jenks: Forgery Made Easy
Rosalie and Emmett: Keeping the Flame of Your Romance Alive After the First Century
Edward: A Practical Guide to Keeping High School and College Girls With Their Ridiculous Fantasies At Bay
Bella: A Practical Guide to Avoiding Dancing Invitations and Other Annoying Attentions From the Opposite Sex
Edward: How to Trick, Cajole, and Otherwise Make Your Sweetheart Accept Extravagant Gifts Without a Row
Bella and Edward: Keeping Up With Your Child's Intellectual Development
Charlie and Renee: Raising a Self-Sufficient Child
All the Cullens: How to Share Child Care, So That No One Feels Left Out
Aro: Collecting for Beginners
How does Carlisle explain to his co-workers that on sunny days he prefers to go hiking? After all, there can always be some last minute unexpected changes in the weather which even Alice couldn't anticipate in advance and even Angela knows that "When the weather is good they go backpacking all the time - even the doctor."
Edward said in Twilight: "Music in the fifties was good. Much better than the sixties, or the seventies, ugh!" and then "he shuddered." I wonder what kind of popular music of the 60s or 70s makes Edward shudder? Which singer/song would send him out the doors faster than spilled blood?
What previously beloved outfit Alice wouldn't be caught dead in today?
When Renesmee grew up did she ever end up in the same class with her parents?
If Edward and Jacob engaged in a running competition, who would win?
How do the Cullens celebrate Thanksgiving? What about Halloween?
With Hot Topic coming up with new Twilight
themed t-shirts all the time and occasionally asking people for suggestions, I've thought of a few that anybody would want to wear: Twilight T-shirts:
Emmett: Fight Grizzlies With One Hand Tied Behind My Back
James: I see it, I want it, I take it
Bella: I'm With Perfect
Alice: Surprise Me
Rosalie: Been Looking for a Lost Antique Aphrodite? Look No Further
Jasper: Would Make the Best Baby-Sitter, If It Weren't for My Thirst
Edward: Can Do Anything But Fly
Bella: The Most Envied Girl on the Planet
Emmett: Was Married More Times Than I Can Remember
James: Looking for My Singer
Alice: Small, But Deadly
Any Cullen, for school wear: Always Right, 100% of the Time
Any Cullen, for a driving test: Been Driving Since Before You Were Born, Man
Any Cullen, to a college application visit: Veteran of Two Dozen High Schools
Any werewolf: Highly Explosive
While reading the Twilight
books, especially the first two, I sometimes came up with theories that seemed to me funny in retrospect, including: Amusing Wrong Theories I Made While Reading Twilight:
I knew before starting the first book that the Cullens were vampires who abstained from human blood (from Amazon's review). So naturally I was very surprised to learn that the head of their clan worked in a hospital - wouldn't it be like for somebody on a strict diet to work at a bakery? And then it dawned on me: the Cullens were able to resist killing people because Carlisle brought them some donated blood now and then! That's why he worked at a hospital! It all fit now. Yes, I totally had this picture of Carlisle sneaking off to the hospital's blood bank on his lunch break!
In keeping with this theory, I had no problem figuring out what Edward was doing in Port Angeles as soon as Bella met him there. Surely, it couldn't be a coincidence that he happened to be there during the blood drive! (I forgot that the blood drive was supposed to be during the weekend and this was Tuesday.) I thought that's why Edward didn't wish to answer Bella's "easiest" question as to what he was doing there. I also thought the felons Bella ran into there were bad vampires, who were there for the same reason as Edward. Partly it was the phrase they they "herded" her that made me think that and partly the knowledge from the preface that she would run into bad vampires later on.
When in New Moon
soon after Edward had left her, Bella first heard about bears, pitch black and the size of a house, seen close to Forks, I thought it was really Emmett in disguise. I thought maybe it was his supernatural talent, to be able to turn into a bear, and that Edward had asked him to keep an eye on Bella for a while, to see if, hopefully, she'd be able to get back to her normal, human life and be happy without him. True, it seemed a bit different from the other Cullens' talents, but I thought that we hadn't met enough supernaturally gifted vampires to be able to say what was possible for them and what wasn't. And, of course, constant comparisons of Emmett to a bear and references to his size helped - even the hair/fur color fit! And as for Bella not having heard of this ability of Emmett's - maybe it was something he preffered not to be known outside the family, like a secret disguise, or maybe Edward thought this one might be a bit too much for her yet - a brother who can turn into a monstrous bear.
And like many other readers, I thought that Edward's voice that Bella heard in New Moon
might be real at first. I thought maybe Edward had asked Alice to keep tabs on Bella and then asked a supernaturally-gifted vampire from Denali - where I thought they were most likely staying - to project his selected thoughts/words to Bella. Or otherwise it could be a sign of Bella's emergent gift to be able to communicate with people across space, at this (human) stage just being able to hear Edward's emotionally-charged thoughts about her.