The Twilight Advice Column--Tongue in Cheek version

Things having to do with Twilight that are related to the book: fanfic, rpg, products, websites, book clubs, etc.

Moderators: Bronze Haired Girl, una

Forum rules
Click for Forum Rules
Post Reply
samajama
Finding Stuff in Billy's Trunk
Posts: 3503
Joined: Sat Aug 23, 2008 10:49 pm
Location: Wherever my books are

Re: The Twilight Advice Column--Tongue in Cheek version

Post by samajama »

CastMeNotAway wrote:So I really love my job and am really hoping the company will give a, erm... promotion. But I feel like if I do something wrong they'll kill me for it. How would you suggest impressing the 'higher-ups'?

-Gianna
Gianna,

Well, just do your job as well as you can. And try to smell less...appealing. ;)
And, maybe, we will have room for you, after all.

Felix
----------------------------------------------------------------------
So...I, uh, kind of almost ran over Bella Swan with my van...
How can I make it up to her? I should probably ask her to prom...

-Tyler




P.S. Rose, where are those pictures..?!
Image
Team Edward Bringing sexy back since 1901. I'm on the ListV2 Sammy Whammy
Team "Screw you freaks; I want Ben!"...........Randomness Resident
LOVE MY TWINNIES: Mary and Shel <3
G-Faerie08
Officially Bitten!
Posts: 1520
Joined: Wed Aug 13, 2008 10:44 pm
Location: Earth
Contact:

Re: The Twilight Advice Column--Tongue in Cheek version

Post by G-Faerie08 »

samajama wrote: So...I, uh, kind of almost ran over Bella Swan with my van...
How can I make it up to her? I should probably ask her to prom...

-Tyler




P.S. Rose, where are those pictures..?!

Tyler,

Try getting her a nice card or something saying that you're sorry and maybe a stuffed animal. Don't do anything too rash like, oh I don't know, asking her to prom..She will say no anyway.. Er- I mean she will probably say no...

-Alice
Image
Alcyone
Has More Hidden Talents Than Aro
Posts: 175
Joined: Wed Aug 20, 2008 9:25 pm
Location: Playing foosball with Aro

Re: The Twilight Advice Column--Tongue in Cheek version

Post by Alcyone »

Tyler wrote:P.S. Rose, where are those pictures..?!
Follow the map included in this letter to an abandoned expressway. They'll be in a manila folder in front of a Jeep.

No, there won't be anyone around.

-Grizzly
Image
Set by *cullens & converse | AB Type
Goodnight Elizabeth
Lusting for Blood
Posts: 1387
Joined: Sat Aug 16, 2008 6:44 pm
Location: There...plotting Lynz's demise :D

Re: The Twilight Advice Column--Tongue in Cheek version

Post by Goodnight Elizabeth »

I am writing because I'm concerned about a group of kids that I see everyday in the lunchroom. They buy lunches, but I never see them eat. They are thin, pale, and have dark circles under their eyes. They drive very expensive cars and wear very stylish clothes. They don't seem very sociable either. They live with the young doctor and his wife.

I'm afraid for these kids. I think they are dealing and taking drugs, and that young doctor is behind it all. He's too handsome.

Signed,
Concerned Lunchroom Lady
Image
Squee! Thank you, Nena!
Rosanesmee
Wandering Through Town
Posts: 33
Joined: Mon Aug 25, 2008 4:58 am

Re: The Twilight Advice Column--Tongue in Cheek version

Post by Rosanesmee »

Goodnight Elizabeth wrote:I am writing because I'm concerned about a group of kids that I see everyday in the lunchroom. They buy lunches, but I never see them eat. They are thin, pale, and have dark circles under their eyes. They drive very expensive cars and wear very stylish clothes. They don't seem very sociable either. They live with the young doctor and his wife.

I'm afraid for these kids. I think they are dealing and taking drugs, and that young doctor is behind it all. He's too handsome.

Signed,
Concerned Lunchroom Lady
Concerned Lunchroom Lady,

I have been told of these people previously and agree with you completely. Actions are being taken to find out the true situation regarding this family. We are holding a meeting regarding this in a few days in a castle we booked out for the occasion in Volterra, Italy. As you have shown such an interest in this matter and seem to be concerned we have payed for your tickets and your plane will leave in three days. Be sure to be your cleanest and looking your best as we will be having a dinner prior to the meeting.

Kindest regards,

Aro

P.s. Feel free to invite anyone else who is concerned or suspicious of these kids, we will also pay for their tickets. The more the tastier... err, merrier.
Once you go Black, you never go back! <3 Jacob
Alcyone
Has More Hidden Talents Than Aro
Posts: 175
Joined: Wed Aug 20, 2008 9:25 pm
Location: Playing foosball with Aro

Re: The Twilight Advice Column--Tongue in Cheek version

Post by Alcyone »

Tyler is a real Geico customer, not a paid actor. So to help tell his story, we hired a celebrity.


Tyler: I was driving to school one day.

Jack Sparrow: Dad always did wish for me to secure an education for myself as one could never fathom when a cognizance of physics involving the firing of a cannon with a toy in the form of a self-centered captain as its one and only, lone and singular ammunition would come in handy to secure landing on a friendly ship.

Tyler: I hit a patch of black ice and my van skidded out of control.

Jack Sparrow: Through an entirely unforeseen and unpredictable twist, attempting to round a sharp curve over thirty knots resulted in the utter loss of control of my ship. I also may have lost a clone when the sail struck him overboard. This, I assure you, had nothing whatsoever to do with me. Or my owing money to Tia Dalma.

Tyler: I hit the new girl's car and almost killed the new girl.

Jack Sparrow: And, as always, the rather distressing damsel in distress was distressing me being distressing damsel-y without bothering to get her distressing damsel-y self out of the distressing way.

Tyler: I called Geico, but they said my car was a total loss. And now I need a new car. My father is going to kill me.

Jack Sparrow: And then Davy Jones took my ship to the depths. Where is that monkey? I want to shoot something. Mr. Gibbs! Secure some manner of a flotation device! We're going after the Pearl! ...Where is my rum? Mr. Gibbs! WHY is the rum ALWAYS gone?! ...MR. GIBBS!


Geico. Real customers. Real savings. For Geico.
Image
Set by *cullens & converse | AB Type
somethingblue
The Godmother
Posts: 185
Joined: Wed Aug 20, 2008 9:16 pm
Location: Index, Indiana

Re: The Twilight Advice Column--Tongue in Cheek version

Post by somethingblue »

Alcyone - you are truly brilliant - I LOVED your Geico commercial!

Dear Abby,

I have a big problem. I am in love with two guys. One is so HOT even though he is so cold and the other is so HOT, he actually makes me feel sweaty, but I want them both. I am worried about both choices, since the first could end up with a call to paramedics (have you ever seen "A Christmas Story" where the one kid get his tongue stuck on that cold....nevermind.) and the second, well, I don't really like to sweat. I'm thinking they need to learn to share and maybe it's a manwich night. Is that wrong?

HELP!

Bella, er, wait, fake name "Too many choices"
Fangirl
Wandering Through Town
Posts: 41
Joined: Sun Sep 14, 2008 1:07 pm
Location: England

Re: The Twilight Advice Column--Tongue in Cheek version

Post by Fangirl »

Dear 'Too Many Choices'

Have you considered the advantages of a 'pro con' list.
I find it may be very helpful in your situation.
Or if this fails.... a magic 8 ball....

Abby



So, umm, lately I've been hearing this calling.
To magic, and ... magic.
I don't know what to do. Where go the magical beings get help from?

Shy and scared Webber
"After a few minutes, he asked, real quitely, if you turned into an animal, too. And I said, 'She wishes she was that cool!'"Jacob, Breaking Dawn
G-Faerie08
Officially Bitten!
Posts: 1520
Joined: Wed Aug 13, 2008 10:44 pm
Location: Earth
Contact:

Re: The Twilight Advice Column--Tongue in Cheek version

Post by G-Faerie08 »

Alcyone wrote:Tyler is a real Geico customer, not a paid actor. So to help tell his story, we hired a celebrity.


Tyler: I was driving to school one day.

Jack Sparrow: Dad always did wish for me to secure an education for myself as one could never fathom when a cognizance of physics involving the firing of a cannon with a toy in the form of a self-centered captain as its one and only, lone and singular ammunition would come in handy to secure landing on a friendly ship.

Tyler: I hit a patch of black ice and my van skidded out of control.

Jack Sparrow: Through an entirely unforeseen and unpredictable twist, attempting to round a sharp curve over thirty knots resulted in the utter loss of control of my ship. I also may have lost a clone when the sail struck him overboard. This, I assure you, had nothing whatsoever to do with me. Or my owing money to Tia Dalma.

Tyler: I hit the new girl's car and almost killed the new girl.

Jack Sparrow: And, as always, the rather distressing damsel in distress was distressing me being distressing damsel-y without bothering to get her distressing damsel-y self out of the distressing way.

Tyler: I called Geico, but they said my car was a total loss. And now I need a new car. My father is going to kill me.

Jack Sparrow: And then Davy Jones took my ship to the depths. Where is that monkey? I want to shoot something. Mr. Gibbs! Secure some manner of a flotation device! We're going after the Pearl! ...Where is my rum? Mr. Gibbs! WHY is the rum ALWAYS gone?! ...MR. GIBBS!


Geico. Real customers. Real savings. For Geico.
O...M...G This is flipping hilarious!! I had to fight my fit of laughter in the computer lab I am at right now because I seriously, almost peed my pants after reading this..
Image
bite_me
Helping Mike to Get a Clue
Posts: 504
Joined: Wed Sep 10, 2008 3:45 am
Location: Australia! =D

Re: The Twilight Advice Column--Tongue in Cheek version

Post by bite_me »

somethingblue wrote:
Dear Abby,

I have a big problem. I am in love with two guys. One is so HOT even though he is so cold and the other is so HOT, he actually makes me feel sweaty, but I want them both. I am worried about both choices, since the first could end up with a call to paramedics (have you ever seen "A Christmas Story" where the one kid get his tongue stuck on that cold....nevermind.) and the second, well, I don't really like to sweat. I'm thinking they need to learn to share and maybe it's a manwich night. Is that wrong?

HELP!

Bella, er, wait, fake name "Too many choices"

Dear "Too Many Choices"

Yes that's wrong.
Maybe you are just not right for either guy. If they make you so uncomfortable to . . . kiss . . . you should just give up on both of them. Try someone more normal-temperatured and not freakishly good at sport . . . but okay at badminton.

Love- no, from,

Mike- no, I'm supposed to make up something- James
ImageImage
If they say it's tourist season why can't we shoot them?
Post Reply