The Twilight Advice Column--Tongue in Cheek version

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Re: The Twilight Advice Column--Tongue in Cheek version

Postby samajama » Wed Sep 17, 2008 3:31 pm

CastMeNotAway wrote:So I really love my job and am really hoping the company will give a, erm... promotion. But I feel like if I do something wrong they'll kill me for it. How would you suggest impressing the 'higher-ups'?

-Gianna

Gianna,

Well, just do your job as well as you can. And try to smell less...appealing. ;)
And, maybe, we will have room for you, after all.

Felix
----------------------------------------------------------------------
So...I, uh, kind of almost ran over Bella Swan with my van...
How can I make it up to her? I should probably ask her to prom...

-Tyler




P.S. Rose, where are those pictures..?!
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Re: The Twilight Advice Column--Tongue in Cheek version

Postby G-Faerie08 » Wed Sep 17, 2008 3:58 pm

samajama wrote:So...I, uh, kind of almost ran over Bella Swan with my van...
How can I make it up to her? I should probably ask her to prom...

-Tyler




P.S. Rose, where are those pictures..?!


Tyler,

Try getting her a nice card or something saying that you're sorry and maybe a stuffed animal. Don't do anything too rash like, oh I don't know, asking her to prom..She will say no anyway.. Er- I mean she will probably say no...

-Alice
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Re: The Twilight Advice Column--Tongue in Cheek version

Postby Alcyone » Wed Sep 17, 2008 7:52 pm

Tyler wrote:P.S. Rose, where are those pictures..?!


Follow the map included in this letter to an abandoned expressway. They'll be in a manila folder in front of a Jeep.

No, there won't be anyone around.

-Grizzly
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Re: The Twilight Advice Column--Tongue in Cheek version

Postby Goodnight Elizabeth » Wed Sep 17, 2008 11:25 pm

I am writing because I'm concerned about a group of kids that I see everyday in the lunchroom. They buy lunches, but I never see them eat. They are thin, pale, and have dark circles under their eyes. They drive very expensive cars and wear very stylish clothes. They don't seem very sociable either. They live with the young doctor and his wife.

I'm afraid for these kids. I think they are dealing and taking drugs, and that young doctor is behind it all. He's too handsome.

Signed,
Concerned Lunchroom Lady
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Re: The Twilight Advice Column--Tongue in Cheek version

Postby Rosanesmee » Thu Sep 18, 2008 3:58 am

Goodnight Elizabeth wrote:I am writing because I'm concerned about a group of kids that I see everyday in the lunchroom. They buy lunches, but I never see them eat. They are thin, pale, and have dark circles under their eyes. They drive very expensive cars and wear very stylish clothes. They don't seem very sociable either. They live with the young doctor and his wife.

I'm afraid for these kids. I think they are dealing and taking drugs, and that young doctor is behind it all. He's too handsome.

Signed,
Concerned Lunchroom Lady


Concerned Lunchroom Lady,

I have been told of these people previously and agree with you completely. Actions are being taken to find out the true situation regarding this family. We are holding a meeting regarding this in a few days in a castle we booked out for the occasion in Volterra, Italy. As you have shown such an interest in this matter and seem to be concerned we have payed for your tickets and your plane will leave in three days. Be sure to be your cleanest and looking your best as we will be having a dinner prior to the meeting.

Kindest regards,

Aro

P.s. Feel free to invite anyone else who is concerned or suspicious of these kids, we will also pay for their tickets. The more the tastier... err, merrier.
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Re: The Twilight Advice Column--Tongue in Cheek version

Postby Alcyone » Thu Sep 18, 2008 7:54 am

Tyler is a real Geico customer, not a paid actor. So to help tell his story, we hired a celebrity.


Tyler: I was driving to school one day.

Jack Sparrow: Dad always did wish for me to secure an education for myself as one could never fathom when a cognizance of physics involving the firing of a cannon with a toy in the form of a self-centered captain as its one and only, lone and singular ammunition would come in handy to secure landing on a friendly ship.

Tyler: I hit a patch of black ice and my van skidded out of control.

Jack Sparrow: Through an entirely unforeseen and unpredictable twist, attempting to round a sharp curve over thirty knots resulted in the utter loss of control of my ship. I also may have lost a clone when the sail struck him overboard. This, I assure you, had nothing whatsoever to do with me. Or my owing money to Tia Dalma.

Tyler: I hit the new girl's car and almost killed the new girl.

Jack Sparrow: And, as always, the rather distressing damsel in distress was distressing me being distressing damsel-y without bothering to get her distressing damsel-y self out of the distressing way.

Tyler: I called Geico, but they said my car was a total loss. And now I need a new car. My father is going to kill me.

Jack Sparrow: And then Davy Jones took my ship to the depths. Where is that monkey? I want to shoot something. Mr. Gibbs! Secure some manner of a flotation device! We're going after the Pearl! ...Where is my rum? Mr. Gibbs! WHY is the rum ALWAYS gone?! ...MR. GIBBS!


Geico. Real customers. Real savings. For Geico.
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Re: The Twilight Advice Column--Tongue in Cheek version

Postby somethingblue » Thu Sep 18, 2008 8:35 am

Alcyone - you are truly brilliant - I LOVED your Geico commercial!

Dear Abby,

I have a big problem. I am in love with two guys. One is so HOT even though he is so cold and the other is so HOT, he actually makes me feel sweaty, but I want them both. I am worried about both choices, since the first could end up with a call to paramedics (have you ever seen "A Christmas Story" where the one kid get his tongue stuck on that cold....nevermind.) and the second, well, I don't really like to sweat. I'm thinking they need to learn to share and maybe it's a manwich night. Is that wrong?

HELP!

Bella, er, wait, fake name "Too many choices"
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Re: The Twilight Advice Column--Tongue in Cheek version

Postby Fangirl » Thu Sep 18, 2008 10:34 am

Dear 'Too Many Choices'

Have you considered the advantages of a 'pro con' list.
I find it may be very helpful in your situation.
Or if this fails.... a magic 8 ball....

Abby



So, umm, lately I've been hearing this calling.
To magic, and ... magic.
I don't know what to do. Where go the magical beings get help from?

Shy and scared Webber
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Re: The Twilight Advice Column--Tongue in Cheek version

Postby G-Faerie08 » Thu Sep 18, 2008 1:47 pm

Alcyone wrote:Tyler is a real Geico customer, not a paid actor. So to help tell his story, we hired a celebrity.


Tyler: I was driving to school one day.

Jack Sparrow: Dad always did wish for me to secure an education for myself as one could never fathom when a cognizance of physics involving the firing of a cannon with a toy in the form of a self-centered captain as its one and only, lone and singular ammunition would come in handy to secure landing on a friendly ship.

Tyler: I hit a patch of black ice and my van skidded out of control.

Jack Sparrow: Through an entirely unforeseen and unpredictable twist, attempting to round a sharp curve over thirty knots resulted in the utter loss of control of my ship. I also may have lost a clone when the sail struck him overboard. This, I assure you, had nothing whatsoever to do with me. Or my owing money to Tia Dalma.

Tyler: I hit the new girl's car and almost killed the new girl.

Jack Sparrow: And, as always, the rather distressing damsel in distress was distressing me being distressing damsel-y without bothering to get her distressing damsel-y self out of the distressing way.

Tyler: I called Geico, but they said my car was a total loss. And now I need a new car. My father is going to kill me.

Jack Sparrow: And then Davy Jones took my ship to the depths. Where is that monkey? I want to shoot something. Mr. Gibbs! Secure some manner of a flotation device! We're going after the Pearl! ...Where is my rum? Mr. Gibbs! WHY is the rum ALWAYS gone?! ...MR. GIBBS!


Geico. Real customers. Real savings. For Geico.


O...M...G This is flipping hilarious!! I had to fight my fit of laughter in the computer lab I am at right now because I seriously, almost peed my pants after reading this..
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Re: The Twilight Advice Column--Tongue in Cheek version

Postby bite_me » Thu Sep 18, 2008 8:42 pm

somethingblue wrote:
Dear Abby,

I have a big problem. I am in love with two guys. One is so HOT even though he is so cold and the other is so HOT, he actually makes me feel sweaty, but I want them both. I am worried about both choices, since the first could end up with a call to paramedics (have you ever seen "A Christmas Story" where the one kid get his tongue stuck on that cold....nevermind.) and the second, well, I don't really like to sweat. I'm thinking they need to learn to share and maybe it's a manwich night. Is that wrong?

HELP!

Bella, er, wait, fake name "Too many choices"



Dear "Too Many Choices"

Yes that's wrong.
Maybe you are just not right for either guy. If they make you so uncomfortable to . . . kiss . . . you should just give up on both of them. Try someone more normal-temperatured and not freakishly good at sport . . . but okay at badminton.

Love- no, from,

Mike- no, I'm supposed to make up something- James
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