The Twilight Advice Column--Tongue in Cheek version

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Re: The Twilight Advice Column--Tongue in Cheek version

Postby skylarblue » Wed Apr 29, 2009 11:38 am

Dear TAC,

I have this "friend" who has a slight body hair problem. I want to tell him that I think I'm allergic to him without hurting his feelings. Also, I believe that the rest of my family has the same problem. The only one who doesn't seem to mind is my daughter.

Please help me with this.

Sincerely,
Allergic To Dogs
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Re: The Twilight Advice Column--Tongue in Cheek version

Postby Mrs.Edward_Cullen<3 » Wed Apr 29, 2009 11:57 am

Mommy, OOPS! I mean uhh..Allergic,
I think you should keep the friend because your daughter likes it. Don't worry your family will get used to it. In the meantime, can your daughter go play in the forest with the doggie friend? I mean uhh...she should play with the doggie friend in the forest and you should come too, maybe if you get used to it everything will be alllllll better!
Nessie--I mean..TAC :)
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Re: The Twilight Advice Column--Tongue in Cheek version

Postby bronzehairedmiracle » Thu Aug 13, 2009 12:18 pm

This is the coolest thread on the lexicon and its died down :(
So here's my bit of effort to revive it. The mods say that we can post any character's as well as ours problems. So here goes-


Dear TAC

I am madly, deeply and truly in love with a guy. What's the problem, you say? Well, he is a vampire. And what's more, a fictional vampire. :oops: But the boundaries between fiction and reality seem to be fading for me. So what do I do now? HELP!

Sincerely,
Loony-in-Making
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Re: The Twilight Advice Column--Tongue in Cheek version

Postby eliselovesedwardx » Fri Aug 14, 2009 12:38 pm

Dear Loony-In-Making,

I am so sorry you are currently going through this. But remeber: You are not alone. Thousands of girls are going through the same problem as you. My question to you, do you really believe you can fade those fiction/reality boundaries? If you do, GO FOR IT! I am also currently one of the girls going
through tha same problem. And I am going to make this boundary fading work!
I would say that if all the girls worked together to help each other fae these boundaries everyone would be happier, but I get the sneaking suspicion if we worked together, and those boundaries faded, downright wars would ensue and that would just get messy..

So, what you should do is just keep dreamin'!

Yours sincerly,
Then ever helpful TAC

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Dear TAC,

I am lost. I don't have a family, i can't trust anyone, even though I want to, I'm afraid the Royalty of my kind will be after me, and I just feel sop lonely all the time. I went to help out an old friend and his family, but there were so many people there who weren't afraid of getting caught by the Royalty if they stood up for them. I was scared so I left early without telling htem goodbye. I felt terrible but I couldn't stanf staying there and putting my life on the line. An dplus, I fell in love with a big, beautiful African woman, she could make us see things, and she was beautiful. I wish I could've spoken to her. That was another eason I left early, I was afraid she wouldn't like me if i tried to talk to her. What can I do to make my situation better?

Sincerly,
Lost and Lonely Nomad
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Re: The Twilight Advice Column--Tongue in Cheek version

Postby DudeRocksTheTwilight » Fri Aug 14, 2009 7:37 pm

Dear Lost and Lonely Nomad,

Stop being a spineless worm!

~TAC

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Dear TAC,

I'm really pretty. Really pretty. And I don't sweat, and the other girls call me a pre-Madonna because I don't sweat! It's like soooooooooooooooo embarrassing!
What do I do?

Sincerely,
Beautiful And...Beautiful. And Blonde. And Beautiful. And Hot and Sexy!
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Re: The Twilight Advice Column--Tongue in Cheek version

Postby despoina92 » Wed Aug 19, 2009 12:40 pm

Dear Beautiful And...Beautiful. And Blonde. And Beautiful. And Hot and Sexy!

well, most women would kill not to sweat and you complain? Just don't listen to anyone. They're all jealous of you.

Luv,
Teddy Bear

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Dear TAC,

a week ago I woke up in a dark place, after seeing a vision of a gorgeous blonde man. I don't really know what or who I am and I keep having those strange visions all the time.Most importantly, I have no clue where to find the blondie (he was awsome!)... Am I human? Or am I dancer? I can't answer to any of these questions. Oh! I've also noticed that everyone smells sooo wonderfully and I decided to taste them. And they tasted gloriously. And now I feel guilty, because another idiotic vision showed me people mourning them. Please, help me. I am in dead end.

Sincerely,
Lost Pixie
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Re: The Twilight Advice Column--Tongue in Cheek version

Postby bronzehairedmiracle » Sat Sep 12, 2009 9:47 am

Dear Lost Pixie


Have you heard of Google??Oops, you probably haven't so forget what I said and continue reading.

Hmmm...Maybe you should stop....ahem.. devouring people around you and stop to make sense of your..er "visions". They will be of tremendous help and maybe you will be able to find the "awesome blondie" too!!! All the best!

Ever-helpful and ever-modest
TAC

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Dear TAC

After nearly fifty BLOODY years of practicing, I still cant resist...er...temptation the way my...family members can. To make you understand its intensity, I would say that for me, resisting this is like women being able to resist Robert Pattinson( ;) ). So you can guess the magnitude of my problem. I hate feeling weak. What do I do?

Sincerely
Thirsty empath
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Re: The Twilight Advice Column--Tongue in Cheek version

Postby Angelvamp » Sat Sep 12, 2009 11:44 am

Dear Thirsty Empath,

Just hold your breath and run away! I believe that's actually what Robert Pattinson does when dealing with fans, seems to work for him! Although, Rob is not really my type - if he were to say, sparkle and have his eyebrows waxed, he'd look just like my fantastic looking husb...er, friend of mine. Don't forget, there are a lot of people that have the same temptations - perhaps you should consider some hobbies. Like sparring or spending time with animals, things like that. Good luck!

Love,
TAC

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Dear TAC,

My granddaughter just keeps growing bigger and smarter everytime I see her, it's like she's in the HOV lane and the rest of us are stuck behind a tractor. How can I come to terms with her getting older so fast? It wasn't like this with my own daughter, in fact she doesn't seem to be aging at all anymore. Please help!

Papa with a Pushbroom
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Re: The Twilight Advice Column--Tongue in Cheek version

Postby Hyvanna » Mon Sep 14, 2009 3:59 am

Dear Pappa with a Pushbroom,

Just a few weeks ago we had a umm...standing verble discustion, with some of our umm.college about just this perticular..umm concern through some umm..surprizeing research we have come to find out a few things... Give your granddaughter about 7years and she will no longer grow body wize, tho she will became so smart no matter how meny times she goes to collage.. I mean no matter how meny master degrees she gets she'll always want to learn more that normal... And if you would have came an visted last week like your ageless daughter wanted you too instead of playing lovey dovey with the Clearwater lady you would have already known this. Best Advise for you is too keep your nose down an enjoy the time you have with them.

Emmett

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Help, I cant stop tearlessy crying after discovering im no longer uniqe and special, I thought I was the only one to have my gift the man I realy like only likes me for my talent, Im so verry addorable, cuter then that stinkin Loc Ness whatever her name is but I still fear that he will cast me aside once he sees that a bunch of Stick Weilding Witchs/Wizards can yell a word and bring and adult down to the ground thrashing in pain just like I can even tho I dont need a stupid stick. What do I do?

Jane ...Doe
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Re: The Twilight Advice Column--Tongue in Cheek version

Postby samajama » Thu Oct 01, 2009 4:43 pm

[And so I return after a long absence to the thread -- and Lex in general. Yay for everyone following the thread rules!! Love you all!!!! ~Sam]

Jane ...Doe,

Turn your power against your boss. That'll show 'im. You can really showcase your talent that way and it will most definitely not have negative reprecussions. Show your boss that pain until he cries, man! (*stifles giggling*) This is going to be awesome. He'll totally think you're great for this and NOT kill you. Definitely won't kill you. No siree. Just, uh, let me know when you plan on doing this. I want to watch. (*secret smile*)

Sincerely,
EveryAnimalMustCry
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[ETA: whoops. I'm thanking you all for following the rules and then I go and submit without the second part of my post! Fail for me... ]
Dear TAC:

Okay, so here's my problem. Well, not a problem per se so much as...I'm confused. My daughter, see, she disappeared. Well, not disappeared, but she went on her *grunts* honeymoon. (Ack.) She's finally come home but now...she won't let me come see her. I'm really concerned about this. I mean, what did this kid do, knock her up?! *nervous laughter* That'd be the kicker. Ha. Bells? Pregnant?! Ha ha ha! Anyway, like I was saying, I'm getting concerned. Should I just let this go for a while or go over there and kick her ...husband's *ss?

Thanks,
Charles in Charge
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