Twilight Humor

Things having to do with Twilight that are related to the book: fanfic, rpg, products, websites, book clubs, etc.

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Twilight Humor

Postby Nena » Sun Apr 12, 2009 8:59 pm

Post Twilight-related jokes, funny suggestions for T-shirts, etc. just for fun. You know the rest of the rules :geek:
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Re: Twilight Humor

Postby Jill » Mon Apr 13, 2009 1:04 am

Thanks again for creating the thread! I thought it would be nice to have a general Twilight Humor page, which people could fill with funny Twilight-related stuff for which there is no special thread.

:D Twilight Jokes:
    What kind of compliment from a friendly neighbor wouldn't make Esme happy? - "My dear, you don't change at all!"
    What kind of praise from an impressed patient wouldn't make Carlisle happy? - "Wow, you seem to remember all my test results by heart!"
    What question Esme's family never ask her? - "What's for dinner?"
    What question Carlisle's family never ask him? - "Can we afford this?"
    What might make Edward feel like a kid? - Hearing Jasper and Carlisle reminiscence about the antebellum America.
    What might make Carlisle feel like a kid? - Hearing Tanya and Kate reminiscence about the Vikings.
    What kind of purchase might make Esme especially happy? - When she manages to find some past "sell by" food.
    What sounds like the best defense against regular vampires? - The essence of skunk. That'd make deer smell mouth-watering.

With Twilight books being so phenomenally successful, I began thinking of bestselling books which Twilight characters might have written.

:D Best-Selling Books They Could Have Written:
    Carlisle: How to Raise Your Kids So They Don't Commit a Massacre
    J. Jenks: Forgery Made Easy
    Rosalie and Emmett: Keeping the Flame of Your Romance Alive After the First Century
    Edward: A Practical Guide to Keeping High School and College Girls With Their Ridiculous Fantasies At Bay
    Bella: A Practical Guide to Avoiding Dancing Invitations and Other Annoying Attentions From the Opposite Sex
    Edward: How to Trick, Cajole, and Otherwise Make Your Sweetheart Accept Extravagant Gifts Without a Row
    Bella and Edward: Keeping Up With Your Child's Intellectual Development
    Charlie and Renee: Raising a Self-Sufficient Child
    All the Cullens: How to Share Child Care, So That No One Feels Left Out
    Aro: Collecting for Beginners

:D Burning Questions to Ask Stephenie:
    How does Carlisle explain to his co-workers that on sunny days he prefers to go hiking? After all, there can always be some last minute unexpected changes in the weather which even Alice couldn't anticipate in advance and even Angela knows that "When the weather is good they go backpacking all the time - even the doctor."

    Edward said in Twilight: "Music in the fifties was good. Much better than the sixties, or the seventies, ugh!" and then "he shuddered." I wonder what kind of popular music of the 60s or 70s makes Edward shudder? Which singer/song would send him out the doors faster than spilled blood?

    What previously beloved outfit Alice wouldn't be caught dead in today?

    When Renesmee grew up did she ever end up in the same class with her parents?

    If Edward and Jacob engaged in a running competition, who would win?

    How do the Cullens celebrate Thanksgiving? What about Halloween?

With Hot Topic coming up with new Twilight themed t-shirts all the time and occasionally asking people for suggestions, I've thought of a few that anybody would want to wear:

:D Twilight T-shirts:
    Emmett: Fight Grizzlies With One Hand Tied Behind My Back
    James: I see it, I want it, I take it
    Bella: I'm With Perfect
    Alice: Surprise Me
    Rosalie: Been Looking for a Lost Antique Aphrodite? Look No Further
    Jasper: Would Make the Best Baby-Sitter, If It Weren't for My Thirst
    Edward: Can Do Anything But Fly
    Bella: The Most Envied Girl on the Planet
    Emmett: Was Married More Times Than I Can Remember
    James: Looking for My Singer
    Alice: Small, But Deadly
    Any Cullen, for school wear: Always Right, 100% of the Time
    Any Cullen, for a driving test: Been Driving Since Before You Were Born, Man
    Any Cullen, to a college application visit: Veteran of Two Dozen High Schools
    Any werewolf: Highly Explosive

While reading the Twilight books, especially the first two, I sometimes came up with theories that seemed to me funny in retrospect, including:

:D Amusing Wrong Theories I Made While Reading Twilight:

I knew before starting the first book that the Cullens were vampires who abstained from human blood (from Amazon's review). So naturally I was very surprised to learn that the head of their clan worked in a hospital - wouldn't it be like for somebody on a strict diet to work at a bakery? And then it dawned on me: the Cullens were able to resist killing people because Carlisle brought them some donated blood now and then! That's why he worked at a hospital! It all fit now. Yes, I totally had this picture of Carlisle sneaking off to the hospital's blood bank on his lunch break!

In keeping with this theory, I had no problem figuring out what Edward was doing in Port Angeles as soon as Bella met him there. Surely, it couldn't be a coincidence that he happened to be there during the blood drive! (I forgot that the blood drive was supposed to be during the weekend and this was Tuesday.) I thought that's why Edward didn't wish to answer Bella's "easiest" question as to what he was doing there. I also thought the felons Bella ran into there were bad vampires, who were there for the same reason as Edward. Partly it was the phrase they they "herded" her that made me think that and partly the knowledge from the preface that she would run into bad vampires later on.

When in New Moon soon after Edward had left her, Bella first heard about bears, pitch black and the size of a house, seen close to Forks, I thought it was really Emmett in disguise. I thought maybe it was his supernatural talent, to be able to turn into a bear, and that Edward had asked him to keep an eye on Bella for a while, to see if, hopefully, she'd be able to get back to her normal, human life and be happy without him. True, it seemed a bit different from the other Cullens' talents, but I thought that we hadn't met enough supernaturally gifted vampires to be able to say what was possible for them and what wasn't. And, of course, constant comparisons of Emmett to a bear and references to his size helped - even the hair/fur color fit! And as for Bella not having heard of this ability of Emmett's - maybe it was something he preffered not to be known outside the family, like a secret disguise, or maybe Edward thought this one might be a bit too much for her yet - a brother who can turn into a monstrous bear.

And like many other readers, I thought that Edward's voice that Bella heard in New Moon might be real at first. I thought maybe Edward had asked Alice to keep tabs on Bella and then asked a supernaturally-gifted vampire from Denali - where I thought they were most likely staying - to project his selected thoughts/words to Bella. Or otherwise it could be a sign of Bella's emergent gift to be able to communicate with people across space, at this (human) stage just being able to hear Edward's emotionally-charged thoughts about her.
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Re: Twilight Humor

Postby Miista Cullen » Mon Apr 13, 2009 1:52 pm


I Laughed. Out. Loud. When Bella was invited to the fabulous 'Cullen House' and Rosalie, Emmet, Carlisle and Esme were cooking italiano. And Rosalie goes, "Is she even italian" then Emmett goes "Her name's Isabella"!

Bahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahhahhahaha, and they were cooking and being excited and all!!! What a shame. She didn't even eat :P
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Re: Twilight Humor

Postby bemywerewolf » Wed Apr 15, 2009 3:22 pm

This is so FUNNY!! I laughed so hard!! Where did you guys get this??
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Re: Twilight Humor

Postby goldeneyedgirl14 » Wed Apr 15, 2009 10:15 pm

Ok. I like this thread. ;) This is something i came up with for Jasper and Carlisle. I guess you could put this on a magnet or something, but it's more of a joke!
What do you do when Jasper says RELAX. I'M JUST GOING TO KILL YOU?
Then i would say GO AHEAD. I DON'T CARE!
Then I would say (while running arond in a circle and screaming, I might add), I'M NOT A MEANIE BANANA! DON'T BELIEVE THE LIES!

What would you do if Carlisle was your doctor, and at one of your appointments he came up to you and said I WANT TO SUCK YOUR BLOOD!(?)
Would you feel bad when he said, crying if only he could, I CAN'T! I'M TO HUMANE!(?)
No. I would simply say BITE ME ALREADY!!!

Ok. I don't know if those were funny to you. IDK. But alot of my friends like them. :roll:

As far as t-shirt designs go, i think it would be cute to have a shirt that says VAMPIRES RULE. WEREWOLVES DROOL! or ISLE ESME-MY DREAM HONEYMOON SPOT.

i'll get back to you if i think of anything else! 8-)
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"I have alot of scars like yours, Bella."-Jasper Hale Eclipse
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Both are so hot, why should I have to decide?
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Re: Twilight Humor

Postby ringswraith » Fri Apr 17, 2009 9:11 pm

Jill wrote: :D Burning Questions to Ask Stephenie:
If Edward and Jacob engaged in a running competition, who would win?

Actually, I think the more pressing question is who would win- Edward or Leah?
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Re: Twilight Humor

Postby akire » Fri Apr 17, 2009 9:22 pm

^^ Leah or newborn Bella??

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Re: Twilight Humor

Postby ringswraith » Fri Apr 17, 2009 9:30 pm

akire wrote:^^ Leah or newborn Bella??

Leah. Newborn Bella's strength is a temporary condition.
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Re: Twilight Humor

Postby who_needs_fangs? » Fri Apr 17, 2009 10:24 pm

^Leah or Rosalie in a fight to the death?
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Re: Twilight Humor

Postby cantfightaneclipse » Fri Apr 17, 2009 10:38 pm

In the Twilight movie, when Bella is in the hospital and Edward says "I'm here." I always say "I'm queer. Get used to it." (I don't like Robert Pattison) My sister laughs everytime. LOL :lol:

Rosalie because there's no way Emmett would sit there and take that!
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